Crazy Pills, Orange Juice, and Evil Gophers, Oh My
by Lazarus Risen
Summary: The Insanity at Hogwarts strikes when Dumbledore puts crazy pills in the orange juice! Pyscho gophers, Kiddy Corralls, and an insane Snape follows! Complete.
1. Snape Adventures

Snape Adventures

Scene 1

Disclaimer: I do not own the HP characters. I wish I did…but I don't. IT'S NOT FAIR! (starts crying)

Warning: Appearances from Professor Smith. You have to read Professor Snape and Professor Smith to understand this. I wrote it…you know what to do! And I know Snape would never do some of this stuff…but I don't care! OK, here we go…

Snape: (singing Creed song) If I had just one fish…

McG: It's just one _wish_, Severus.

Snape: Oh, yeah! If I had just one wish, only one Mini-Me…

McG: Snape…it's one de-man.

Snape: Aw, who cares? La la la la la! I hope he likes cheese…

McG: (sighs and walks away)

Part 2 of scene 1 

Snape: (skipping in circles) Ring around the Rosie…um what are the rest of the words?

Harry: (walking by) _Snape_? What are you _doing_?

Snape: Join me, Harry! Ring around the Rosie…Ring around the Rosie!

Harry: (shrugs and joins in) RING AROUND THE ROSIE!

Ron: (joins in)

Hermione: (joins in)

Dumbledore: (shrugs and joins in) But I have a better song!

**Lemon drops!**

**Lemon drops!**

**Take one, eat them all!**

**Lemon drops, lemon drops!**

**I love lemon drops!**

**Do you love lemon drops?**

**I do!**

**Do you love lemon drops?**

**I do!**

**Everybody loves…**

**LEMON DROPS!**

Snape: Naaah. (continues to sing Ring Around the Rosie)

Ron: Po!

Hermione: What's that?

Ron: The Teletubbie that bit me! (A/N: for more 411, see Harry Potter and the Purple Blotches)

Harry: Actually that was the green teletubbie…

Ron: Oh, be quote on quote!

Harry: How insulting!

Hermione: Hey, let's go on the game show Quote on Quote!


	2. Part 2

Quote on Quote!

Scene 2

Disclaimer: See previous chapter.

Smith: Welcome to…Quote on Quote!

(game show music in the background)

Hermione: Yay!

Smith: Now…our first question is for Harry! Now, Harry, if I was to… SHUT OFF THE FREAKING MUSIC!! (music stops) Thank you! Now, if I was to put two and two together, what would that spell?

Harry: JUPITER!

Smith: I'm sorry…the secret word was pie! (throws pie at Harry. Harry laughed off stage)

Smith: Ron, what is the second planet closest to Uranus?

Ron: That's easy…the left Cheek!

Smith: Correctamundo! Now, Hermione, if I say Avada Kedavra, what would happen?

Hermione: I would get blasted to smithereens!

Smith: _And…?_

Hermione: Um…I would die?

Smith:_ And…?_

Hermione: The world would explode?

Smith: No! (slime falls on Hermione and she is thrown off the stage)

Smith: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAH! Anywho…Snape, compose a silly story…starting NOW!

Snape: Mr. Fix-It went to the toolbox. He took out a screwdriver. (starts speaking fast) Unfortunately , the screwdriver was secretly a bomb and everything exploded!

Smith: Excellent! Now, we'll continue…NEVER! This show is BOR-ING! See you next time…NOT! 


	3. Scene 3

Hoggy Warty Hogwarts has gone insane!

 Scene 3

Harry: Malfoy, I shall put the Engineer Curse on you! (raises wand menacingly)

Malfoy: The _what_? (starts laughing hysterically)

Harry: You asked for it! (begins to cast curse)

Malfoy: You couldn't curse your way out of a paper bag…

Harry: (casts curse)

Malfoy: (faints, then gets up) I'm an engineer!

Harry: Hah! Now you will say nothing except that until somebody casts the counter curse! Hey… wait a minute! There _is_ no counter curse! But you'll get over this in about a week…maybe a month…maybe a year…BWAHAHAHAHAHA! (runs away)

Malfoy: (angrily) I'm an engineer! (shakes fist)

Part 2 of Scene 3 

(a Hawaiian based Potions)

Snape: Mr. Malfoy, what would you get if you added youth grapes to pineapple juice?

Malfoy: I'm an engineer!

Snape: That's nice, Malfoy.  Now answer my question.

Malfoy: I'm an engineer?

Snape: Ah…the Engineer Curse. I will find out who did this…and they shall be expelled! Unless it was a Slytherin. Then I'll let them slide. Who did this?

Malfoy: (points to Potter) I'm an engineer!

Snape: Potter is an engineer?

Malfoy: (exasperated tone) I'm an engineer.

Snape: OK, I'll run around in circles like a monkey! (runs around in circles like a monkey)

Malfoy: (shaking his head, shouting) I'M AN ENGINEER!!!! I'M AN ENGINEER!

Snape: OK, OK, I'll stop. (stops) Just continue with your potion and don't say anything for the rest of the period.

Malfoy: (nodding, in an obeying tone) I'm an engineer.

Part 3 of Scene 3

Several weeks later…

Malfoy: (marching up to Potter) Now it's time to pay, Potter! I will cast the Howdy Curse on you!

Harry: Oh my god! The _what_? (starts to laugh)

Malfoy: (casts curse)

Harry: (faints, then gets up) Howdy partner! 

Malfoy: Ha ha!

Harry: (casts a no-word spell on Malfoy)

Malfoy: (singing) Love is in the air!

McG: Enough of this! (casts counter curses on both of them)

Part 4 of Scene 3

Later, in the Staff Room…

McG: Honestly, Albus, the students have gone loopy!

DD: You shouldn't call pupils that.

McG: Never mind that…(sniffs) what's that smell?

DD: Smells like…(sniffs) laundry detergent! 

McG: _What_?

DD: It's what Muggles use to clean their clothes. What is it doing here though?

(sound of off-key singing is heard)

DD: Oh, lord…(walks into wardrobe) Severus, how many times have I told you…

Snape: Hee hee hee!


	4. Mad, mad, mad, mad mad mad mad world

It's a Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad, Mad World.

Scene 4

Harry: Ron, you stole my undergarments!

Ron: No I didn't! Snape did!

Harry: I knew it! Lez get 'im! 

Part 2 of Scene 4

Down the stairs and into the Dungeons, to Snape's office we go!

Harry and Ron: (run into Snape's office)

Snape: (dressed in kilt, speaking in a Scottish accent) What's the problem, lads?

Harry: You stole my undergarments!

Snape: Like those funny boxers with the bunnies on them?

Harry: Yes!

Ron: (snickers)

Harry: Shut up!

Ron: Sorry! (still laughing)

Snape: And these pantyhose? (holds up pantyhose)

Harry: I think those are yours.

Snape: Oh, yeah! 

Harry and Ron: Eeeeew!

Snape: Oh, be quote on quote!

Harry: Can I have back my unmentionables now? (extends hand)

Ron: Ew!

Harry: Shut up!

Ron: Okay.

Snape: Here you go…(takes out a pile of clothes and gives it to Harry) I washed them myself! (grins proudly)

Part 3 of Scene 4 

Ron: Have you _ever_seen Snape smile?

Harry: No.

Ron: This is turning into some mad world…

McG: (runs by holding a rubber ducky high in the air, hair loose, wearing a bathrobe) MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! I HAVE DUMBLY DORE'S DUCKY!

DD: (running after McG) GIVE ME BACK MR.YELLOW!

Harry and Ron: (stare at them as they run by)

(pause)

Ron: Yep, definitely a mad world… 

A/N: yeah, yeah, I know, I'm sick! Review! NOW! And quote on quote means 'quiet', so when people say "Be quote on quote!" here they mean "Be quiet!" OK, just thought I'd let you know! Sayonara! 


	5. The Music Stylings of the Harry potter g...

The Musical Stylings of 

The Harry Potter Gang

Disclaimer: I don't own any of the songs I used as guidelines. Goodbye.

**_I'm A Wizard_**

**_(to the tune of Supergirl)_**

****

**I'm a wizard**

**Sometimes I have a dream**

**I picture myself on a motorcycle**

**Flying through the clouds**

**High in the sky**

**A giant is holding me**

**In a blanket**

**Someone leaves me on a doorstep**

**When I wake up I realize…**

**(chorus)**

**I'm a wizard**

**Going to Hogwarts at last**

**Gonna make lots of friends**

**I'm a wizard**

**Going to Hogwarts at last**

**But I wanna know**

**What is my history?**

**(chorus ends)**

**This all seems unreal!**

**Everyone knows my name**

**Nobody understands me**

**Why does everyone like me?**

**This quest I've been given**

**I need someone**

**To explain it all to me…**

**(chorus)**

**Hagrid explained**

**Now I won't stop till I find the way**

**Gotta find someone in my wavelength**

**Hagrid explained**

**Now I won't stop till I find the way**

**Gotta find someone in my wavelength…**

**(chorus)**

OK, OK, I stink at song writing, and I don't want to write anymore. Tell your friends to skip this chapter.


	6. The Orange-You-Bored Ball

The Orange-You-Bored Ball

Scene 5

OK, so this scene is supposed to be the first scene. But I don't feel like changing things around. So tell everyone else to start with this one, then start at the beginning of the list again. 

(in the Great Hall)

DD: (stands up) I have an announcement to make! (rowdy chatter stops) Minerva and I are getting married!

(everyone gasps)

McG: _What_? (stands up) This is not appropriate! I'm much younger than you!

DD: Oh, be quiet, woman! I was just kidding!

(everyone sighs with relief)

DD: Instead of the Yule Ball like last year, I was thinking of a more _interesting _ball…

Snape: (groans) I don't like the sound of that…

DD: I was thinking of painting the Great Hall of sparklingly vivid orange (A/N: Thanks, Taboo! You inspired me!) and then put little blue fish, dead of course, hanging from the ceiling, then have a Orange-You-Bored Ball! We will eat nothing but oranges and orange juice at this festivity! Our very own Professor Sprout will be supplying the oranges! (beams at everyone like isn't-this-the-best-thing-since-sliced-bread)

(sound of crickets)

Malfoy: This is stupid! Why can't we have a normal, non-lunatic ball? When my father hears about this…

Gryffindor table: SHUT UP MALFOY! 

Malfoy: Okay.

DD: Now put on your beanie caps kids! It's going to be a lo-o-o-o—n-g night!

Part 2 of Scene 5

The Orange-You- Bored Ball

DD: (comes skidding into Ball on a moped) WEEEEE IT'S A MUGGLE VEHICLE!

(everyone stares at him)

DD: (gets off moped) _Whaaaaaat?_

Herm: Oh! Oranges! (points excitedly at oranges)

Ron: FRUIT BASKETS WEEEEEEEEEEE! (swings baskets full of oranges in air)

Harry: Are you guys OK?

Ron and Herm: No! (start dancing to imaginary music) Hey-ya-ya-ya-ya…(do weird rain dance thing)

(rains in Great Hall)

Harry: GUYS STOP DANCING! DO A SUN DANCE!

R&Herm: OK! (do a sun dance, which is almost the same thing as a rain dance) Ho mama! Ho mama!

(stops raining)

All: YAAAAAY! (someone starts a pillow fight)

All: WOOOOOOO HOOOOOOOOOO GRIM TARTAR HAAAAAA!

Harry: WHAT HAS HAPPENED TO EVERYONE! (gets knocked out by pillow. No one notices.)

DD: (beams at McG) I'd like to think I caused all this havoc and chaos!

McG: Usually it's Peeves who does these things! What did you do to everyone?

DD: I put crazy pills in the orange juice! Harry didn't drink I guess! (does this weird interpretive dance)

McG: I didn't either! I like myself sane better, thank you!

DD: Aw, come on! (shoves orange juice in McG's mouth)

McG: WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! I LIKE ME BETTER INSANE-O, SNAPE-O! (slaps the lunatic Snape on the back) CROCODILES!

All the students except Harry (who is still unconscious) singing in Spanish: Chocolate, chocolate, vate vate chocalate!

DD: You don't want chocolate! You want el hoga da naranja!  

All: YEAH WOOOO HUMAN BEANS!!!!! HAM SAM JAM CAM DAM MA'AM! WOOOOOO!

DD: (sniffs) Isn't it glorious? (takes out hankie and blows nose) 

Malfoy: (doing Russian dance on the High Table)

Cho: HARRY I LUV YOU!

Herm: I INVENTED SPECTACLES!

Harry: (getting up) You're all making spectacles of yourselves! (faints again)

Neville: HAPPY, HAPPY, JOY, JOY, HAPPY, HAPPY, JOY, JOY, HAPPY, HAPPY, JOY, JOY!

Part 3 of Scene 5

The Aftermath

(everyone is acting all crazy because the crazy pills have not worn off yet)

Malfoy: (swinging from light fixture on ceiling) WEEEEE I'M TARZAN!

Harry: (who has apparently drunken orange juice) AFRICAN CHANT! MIZO MITO MEEKO SITO HA HA HA! OYO! 

DD: You know, the crazy pills were supposed to wear off by now…

McG: Well, I'm off the spell! Are you?

DD: No…but why has it only worked on you?

Guess they need to find out the mystery…when they're sane again! MWAHAHAHAHAH!


	7. Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

Nitwit! Blubber! Oddment! Tweak!

Scene 7

DD: Kumbiyah, my lord… Kumbiyah… 

McG: That's enough, Dumbly Dore…

DD: Oh, all right…

McG: I say, look at Longbottom! 

Neville: WEEE I'M ON A FLYING TRAPEZE!

DD: I'm not even that crazy anymore! Care for some orange juice, Minerva?

McG: No thanks…(backs away)

DD: Oh, I didn't put crazy pills in this individual!

McG: Well…OK…(drinks orange juice) WEEEEEOOOOOOO!

DD: I guess I put some in that one!

McG: I TAKE YOUR DUCKY, DD! (runs away, laughing insanely) 

DD: HEY GET BACK HERE! (dashes after her)

Part 2 of Scene 7 Disco! Shake your booty… Harry: Hey, Ron! Let's hold a disco! 

Ron: What's a disco?

Harry: Sort of like a dance only we dress in funny Muggle costumes and dance really stupid! CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA CHUGGA WOO WOO!

Ron: You mean, like this? (does hustle)

Harry: Yeah! (does booty drop)

Ron: (talking like five year old) This is gonna be fuuun!

The Actual Disco 

Herm: FRANKLIN SHOT AN ARROW AT MY BOA, HA, HA, HA!

Ron: Who's Franklin?

Herm: MY PET FISH ON A STICK!

Ron: I once had a fish. He died an hour after I bought him.

Herm: COOL!

Ron: (to Harry): You know, I'm beginning to worry about her. This must be some strange side effect from the crazy pills. Most of us are over it by now…

Harry: Except for 'Mione, Malfoy, and Neville…

Herm: MALFOY RODE THE BOAT ASHORE! (kisses Malfoy)

Harry and Ron: EEEEEEEEEEEEEEWWWWWWWW!

Malfoy: (blushes) Th…thanks…th…thanks…

Neville: WEEE I'M ON SKIS!

Herm: ME A NAME I CALL MYSELF…

Malfoy: FA…A LONG LONG WAY TO RUN…

Neville: So…I meet all you friends…

Harry: Can you guys calm down for one second?

Herm, Malfoy, and Neville: NO! (skip in circles) DOE RAY ME FA SO LA TEE DOE!

Ron: Maybe we should take them to Madam Pomfrey…

Part 3 of Scene 7 

The Hospital Wing

Bygones will be bygones…

MP: There's nothing we can do except wait for them to calm down…STAY Neville…no not you Miss Granger…Mr. Malfoy, _please_ stop playing with the Skele-Gro, that's not a toy…Miss Granger, stop tearing the sheets…NO MR. LONGBOTTOM NO! 

Harry: Is there any hope left?

MP: Yes…like, 5%…no, Mr. Malfoy…DON'T DRINK THE SKELE-GRO! Miss Granger, what in the _world_ are you doing…

(wax dribbles out of Herm's mouth)

Herm: Mama! 

Ron: They're really sick, aren't they?

MP: (mocking) Yes, we just figured that out!

Malfoy: (suddenly normal) Hey, why is the Mudblood putting wax in her mouth?

MP: He's recovered! There's more hope for the others…

(several hours later)

Harry: They're not going to get well, are they? 

MP: Apparently not!

Ron: Well, I'm tired. Let's go to our dorms, Harry.

Harry: (yawns) OK…(trudges up to Gryffindor Tower with Ron)


	8. Everything starts to click...

When everything starts to click…

Scene 8

DD: (watching Herm in hospital wing) I still can't figure it out, Poppy!

MP: It's a mystery… (watching Neville eat orange)

McG: It's like when the Chamber of Secrets was open…only less serious.

DD: I completely agree! (watches Herm eat a banana-with the skin still on it!)

MP: I think we should put the children to bed and conduct magical experiments on them while they're sleeping.

DD: Good idea.

McG: But how in the world will we get them to sleep?

(all enter the hospital wing)

MP: Now, children, it's time to go to bed… 

Herm: NO BED! NO BED! (throws clock at MP)

MP: OUCH!

McG: Hermione, please calm down…

Herm: No calm down! (dances on bed) TRA LA LA LA!

McG: GIRL, SIT YOUR BOTTOM DOWN! (pushes Herm down on bed and tucks her in) Now good _night_!

Herm: Night never come! Me party all night! WEEEOOOO! (gets up and congas with no one) 

McG: (turns to DD) Dumbly Dore, what ever are we to do?

DD: I'm thinking, I'm thinking…wait a minute! No…wait a minute! No…wait a minute! I've got it! (stands up) No…(sits down)

Part 2 of Scene 8 

DD actually thinks of something!

(several hours later)

DD: Hmm…hmmm…no…hmm… 

McG and MP: (asleep, snoring)

Herm and Neville: (whipping around their bedsheets, not the least bit tired) WEEEEEEEEEEEE!

DD: (stands up) I'VE GOT IT! 

McG: Huh, what? (wakes up)

MP: You (yawns) have an idea?

DD: (pauses) No…

McG and MP: (sigh)

(several hours later)

DD: Hmm…hmmm…no…hmm… 

McG and MP: (asleep, snoring)

Herm and Neville: (jumping from one bed to the next, and jumping on innocent people, not the least bit tired) WEEEEEEEEEEEE!

DD: (stands up) I'VE GOT IT! 

McG: (wakes up) Yeah, right.

MP: _Sure_.

DD: No, really! I'm sure this time!

MP: Well, what is it?

DD: Their digestive systems! Get them to sleep! NOW!

MP: If I can get them to hold still long enough, I could give them a sleeping potion…

DD: How about Nyquil?

MP: _What_?

DD: It's a medicine Muggles use to get to sleep!

MP: I think I'll stick with the sleeping potion, thanks…

(after the struggle)

MP: (sighs) Whew! They're finally asleep! 

Herm: (mumbling in sleep) Whiffle-waffle…

DD: Now, check their digestive system.

MP: Why?

DD: Just do it!

MP: OK. (checks their digestive systems and tells DD the results)

Well, Albs, Neville has the crazy pills in his stomach covered with some sort of reddish stuff, and Hemi has oranges and orange juice with the crazy pill in her tummy and it's covered in pink goop. 

DD: I knew it!

McG: And this is important because…?

DD: Well, McGee, I have a theory.

McG: What is this theory?

DD: It's that their bodies, for some reason, had a chemical reaction with the crazy pills and it's making them too hyper for too long.

McG: Oh.

MP: But why just them? Why hasn't this happened to anyone else?

DD: We can only guess…we may never know.

McG: Why does that sound so familiar?

MP: But Alb, how are we going to cure them?

DD: Um…

McG: Oh, lord here we go again! 

Part 3 of Scene 8 

Finding the Cure

(several hours later)

DD: Hmm…hmmm…no…hmm… 

McG and MP: (asleep, snoring)

(Neville and Herm are still asleep)

Neville: Nimble…wimble… 

Herm: Smoky the Bear…stop forest fires…live in the now…

DD: (stands up) I'VE GOT IT!

MP: Ok, let's hear it!

McG: Yeah.

DD: No…still not accurate…

McG and MP: (groan)

DD: Ha, ha just kidding. I think we need some Yogic…stat! 

MP: What the heck is Yogic?

DD: (gasps) POPPY! I thought you were a nurse! How could you not know about Yogic?

MP: May I repeat, what the heck is Yogic?

DD: I saw some over there near the fifth bed to the right and that's where I got the idea!

MP: (looks around) I don't see anything labeled 'Yogic'.

DD: RIGHT OVER THERE! (points to the fifth bed to the right, where a lightning bolt shaped bottle is sitting on the bed, labeled YOGIC)

MP: What does Yogic do?

DD: It heals the stomach and gets rid of any uncalled for chemicals that don't need to be there!

McG: Hey, who invented Yogic anyways?

DD: Tom Riddle did. You know, before he became evil and turned into a psycho villain trying to take over the world.

McG: Ah.

DD: Well, we need them to drink a tablespoon each.

MP: No problem! (pours a tablespoon of Yogic in Neville's mouth, then Herm) Done!

McG: Er, DD, how long will it take for them to be cured?

DD: About four hours, I'd say.

McG: Oh. (sighs)

(four hours later, Herm and Neville wake up)

Herm: I guess I'll go now. See you! (leaves)

Neville: Hey, where am I? What am I doing here? Who am I?

DD: Oh no! I forgot the side effect it has on boys!

MP: What's that?

DD: Temporary memory loss!

McG and MP: DUMBLEDORE!!!!!!


	9. Is there a Cure?

Scene 9

Is There a Cure?

DD: Sorry, everyone! But maybe there's SOMETHING we can do…

McG: Like what? (taps her foot)

DD: Poppy…(turns to MP) do you have any Phooey?

MP: _Any what?_

DD: Phooey!

MP: I'm sorry, I don't follow.

DD: You know…Phooey! The miracle worker of all congestions and mental problems!

MP: Is this some sort of Muggle thing too?

DD: No! This was invented by…

McG: Let me guess…Tom Riddle?

DD: No! Good god, woman! Are you insane? No, the great Billy Bootlick invented this.

MP: Does he happen to be famous?

(long pause)

DD: Um…I believe the answer is unable to be found. Anywho, we need Phooey.

MP: I don't have any of this…Phooey.

DD: That's what you said about the Yogic!

MP: And that didn't turn out so well on poor Neville, did it?

Neville: Who's Neville?

McG: Never mind, Neville.

Neville: I'm Neville?

McG: YES!

DD: Leave the boy alone, Minnie Mouse.

McG: I THOUGHT I TOLD YOU NOT TO CALL ME THAT?!?

DD: Oh, be quote on quote.

MCG: Grr! (sticks out tongue)

DD: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Anyways, we need Phooey.

MP: OH! I think I know what you're talking about! But it's not called Phooey! It's called Guru!

DD: Doesn't Guru mean religious teacher?

MP: I was just fooling 'ya. It's actually Petard.      

DD: O…Kay…

MP: Anywhom, I'll go get the wok! 

DD: The wok? What's the wok for? What _is_ a wok, anyway?

McG: A wok is a wok.

DD: That makes sense.

MP: (gets wok) Now we need the Petard!

McG: I don't Petard is even a word.

DD: Neither is Yogic!

McG: True.

DD: I know. I'm so wise.

McG: (snorts)

DD: I am!

MP: (returns with "Petard", which is a strange lavender liquid with bits of beef in it)

DD: Woo! Beef! Remember when Snape did the DJ thing for the Beef Song? B-beef, b-beef, b-b-b-beef!

MCG: YEAH! That was funny!

MP: Can we _please_ give Neville his Petard?

DD: I liked it better when I called it Phooey.

MP: Too bad!

DD: (pouts)

MP: OK, here we go…

DD: WAIT!

MP: (looks at DD in irritation) What _now_?

DD: What's a-gonna a-happen?

MP: He'll fall to sleep and forget the last couple of days.

DD: I thought this _cured_ memory!

MCG: Shut up, Dumb-Door!

DD: HEY! I take offense!

MCG: Newsflash, DD…NO ONE CARES!

DD: Well, that was uncalled for!

MCG:*coughlosercough**

DD: DOUBLE HEY!

MCG: Shut up.

DD: Make me!

MCG: Fine! (turns into a cat and tears DD's robes)

DD: TRIPLE HEY!

MCG: (turns back into human) Let that be a lesson to you! (turns away)

MP: Can we _please_ get on with the healing?

DD: Certainly!

MP: Okay…

DD: WAIT!

MCG and MP: WHAT?

DD: I need to tell him something…very quick… Neville…(goes to Neville) Please remember…when you wake up…the first thought in your head should be…(whispers something in Neville's ear)

Neville: Okay, Mister! (salutes DD)

DD: I've never been saluted before! (sobs)

MCG: Aw, snap outta it, ya big crybaby!

DD: (sniffs) Fine.

MP: Okay, Navy Wavy…

DD: _Navy Wavy_? (sniggers) 

MP: Oh, shut up!

DD: Gr!

Neville: Wham?

DD: Pardon?

Neville: Sorry, I mean, what?

DD: Oh…well…just drink the disgusting liquid and remember…(whispers same thing in Neville's ear)

Neville: Okay, Mister! (salutes DD)

DD: I've never been saluted before! (sobs)

MCG: Aw, snap outta it, ya big crybaby!

DD: (sniffs) Fine.

MP: Okay, Navy Wavy…

DD: _Navy Wavy_? (sniggers) 

MP: Oh, shut up!

DD: Gr!

MCG: This all sounds very familiar.

DD: Well, it should!

MCG: Oh, be quote on quote!

MP: Oh, geese, not that again!

DD: Poppy, just give (clears throat) _Navy Wavy_ his medicine.

MP: (sniffs in disapproval) Fine! (gives Neville medicine)

(Neville falls asleep immediately)

Neville: SNOOOOOOOORRE…

MP: By the way, Dumbly Door…(turns to DD) What _did_ you tell Neville?

DD: (looks uncomfortable) Um…well, I guess it wouldn't hurt to tell you…(whispers the same "secret" in MP's ear)

MP: Now why in the world would you tell him such a _ridiculous_ thing?  

DD: Because it's funny!

MP: Well, tell Minnie what you said.

MCG: What did you say?

DD: Well, I told him Canadians are weird! (A/N: No offense, Canadians, but I couldn't think of another country that sounded right!)

MCG: Poppy's right! That _is_ a stupid thing to tell him!

MP: Yeah! Hopefully he won't remember when he wakes up…

DD: He better!

_The end…for now…YAHAHAHAHA!_


	10. Everything's back to normal...Or is it?

Scene 10

Everything's Back to Normal…

Or Is It?

Disclaimer: I don't own Barney or Teletubbies.

(breakfast in the Great Hall the next day)

DD: Attention, everyone! (claps hands impatiently)

(all chatter stops)

DD: Now, I need to bring something to everyone's attention. THIS (eyes dart to the Slytherin table, where Malfoy and his followers are trying to start a food fight) goes for _everyone_. Now…(Malfoy and his buddies start talking. DD glares at them, with a look in his eyes that says "I-Dare-You-To-Interrupt-Me-Again". They stop.) Now, I would like to tell everyone that Neville is now okie-dokie and will be joining you for breakfast shortly. (few cries of YaY! are heard) Thank you. (sits down)

Part 2 of Scene 10

Potions Class…Gone Berserk!

Harry: Ron, I wish we could have back those old Potions classes. You know, when Snape was all mental?

Ron: Yeah! Like, remember the Scottish based Potions class? And Snape did that weird bagpipe thing? That was _funny_!

Harry: Yeah! And the surfer-based Potions? And Snape came in with his hair died pink, blue, and green, and he was carrying a blue surfboard and kept saying 'Dude!' remember that?"

Ron: Yeah! But, no, it's back to boring, stinky ole…(opens door to Potions)

**Before them lies a little kid paradise. Pictures of Barney and the Teletubbies line the walls, and cake is positioned at key locations around the room. The classroom had been painted different colors of the rainbow, and Snape was dressed as Bozo the Clown.**

Ron: AAAAAAAAAAH! TELETUBBIES! (runs out of the classroom screaming) BLOODY MURDER!

Harry: Um…I guess you haven't recovered yet, Professor?

Herm: (walks over to Harry from door) Hey, Harry, how's it…(looks around the room and screams)

Harry: Herm, calm down.

Herm: CALM DOWN? CLAM DOWN? SNAPE HAS GONE ALL FREAKY STILL AND I'M STILL RECOVERING FROM OPERATION, AND YOU'RE TELLING ME TO CALM DOWN?! WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU? (runs out of dungeons, screaming for life)

Snape: (walks over) I didn't think this would please anyone! That's why I did it! I need a break! I'm not crazy anymore! But I'm tired! I need a break! I'm tired! I need a break! I…(faints)

Harry: (stares at Snape for a while, then…) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (runs away)

A/N: Should I write more? Because I'm running out of insane ideas! HELP!


	11. The Airy Dairy Fairy!

Airy Dairy Fairy!

Scene 11

(Defense Against the Dark Arts)

Smith: Now, I will unleash the horror all of you have feared since your first primetime reruns in Muggle Studies!

(all shiver)

Smith: I must ask you (smoothes out his short ponytail) not to make a sound. This monster might tear the limbs out of you with…(shivers) inspirational dairy commercials!

(all gasp)

Smith: Shh…(opens blue box)

(a fairy comes out)

Smith: Yes…an _Airy Dairy Fairy!_ Now, please remain calm…

Airy Dairy Fairy (hereafter known as ADF): Cheese gives you calcium! It makes your bones strong!

Harry: AH!

ADF: Milk is filled with Vitamin C!

Ron: AH! (pauses) No, it's not.

ADF: How do you know, bucko?

Ron: (squeaky voice) I don't know, Your Airiness! (slumps in seat in fear)

ADF: You! (points to Malfoy) Mr. Snuggles!    

Malfoy: (blushes)

ADF: How many glasses of milk should you drink a day?

Malfoy: Um…I don't know, Your Airiness.

ADF: Ha! Shows how much you know! (A/N: Which, in my personal opinion, is nothing!) You should drink 6 to 11 glasses a day for strong healthy bones and teeth!

Ron: AH!

Harry: To me, that sounds like a lot of bathroom time.

ADF: Well, it is, wise guy!

Harry:(looks shocked) _Me_? A _wise guy_? No!

ADF: Yeah! So shaddup!

Harry: GRRRRR…

ADF: Hey…(looks at Ron) You're kind of cute…actually, you're hot!

Ron: (blushes) Err, thanks.

ADF: Want to make out? 

Ron: Uh, you're kind of…

ADF: What?  
Ron: _Tiny_. 

ADF: Never fear! This isn't my actual form, anyway! _This_ (changes into a beautiful girl Ron's age) is my actual form.

Ron: (surprised and happy) Oh, la, la! OK!

Smith: Hey! I'm still teaching a class!

Ron: Can…uh…(looks at ADF for help)

ADF: My real name is Layne. 

Ron: OK. Professor Smith, may Layne and I make out after your class?

Smith: Certainly. But I will need to write a note to your next teacher. (takes out parchment and quill) What class do you have next?

Ron: It's Potions.

Smith: Oh, no! Snape will NEVER accept an excuse from me!

Harry: You got that right. He hates your guts. (A/N: For more 411, see Professor Snape and Professor Smith…by me)

Ron: What to do?

Smith: (rolls up parchment and puts away quill) I'm sure Dumbledore will make your excuses. Now…(takes out a dry erase board with doodles drawn on it) if you look closely, you'll see that…

Part 2 of Scene 11 Potions 

Snape(who seems to have recovered from insanity): Now, class, I want you to open your books to page 482, and look for the section on armadillo tails and what to do with them once they have been shredded for an Itching Solution…

(Ron comes bursting into the classroom, his hair messed up, with a malicious grin on his face)

Ron: Hey, people! (struts to the empty seat next to Harry, looking oddly like Malfoy)

Snape: Weasley, why are you late?

Ron: Well, I have this note…(walks up to Snape, grinning at everyone like Isn't-This-The-Best-Day-Of-Our-Lives?)

Snape: (snatches parchment of Ron's hand, and reads it) That is a poor excuse. That is also against the rules! 23 points from Gryffindor!

Ron: Why 23?

Snape: Because you were three minutes late, and 15 points for breaking the rules.

Ron: Wouldn't that be 18?

Snape: I added the 5 points for fun.

Ron: Oh. (sits down next to Harry)

Snape: Now, before Mr. Weasley cut me off…

Harry: (whispering) Hey, Ron, how'd it go?

Ron: (whispering) Great. Fantastic. Unbelievable.

Harry: (sighs and is still whispering) I wish I had someone to make out with…

Ron: (whispering) You can have Layne 'cause I love Hermione and I adore her and I worship her and do you think she likes me back?

Harry: (whispering) I really can't tell, dude.

Snape: Do you have something you want to say to the class, Potter and Weasley?

Harry and Ron: No.

Snape: Then stop talking! Now, cut up your willow roots and get back to work!

(after class)

Ron: You're going to love Layne, you really are.

Layne: (walks up to them) Hello, Harry. Hi, Ron.

Ron: Layne, I don't love you.

Layne: (shrugs) I kind of figured that.

Ron: Can you make out with Harry?

Harry: Yeah, can you make out with Harry?

Layne: Nah…I have to go.

Harry: Why?

Layne: I have to go back to the Muggle World and shoot a commericial!

(turns back into ADF)

ADF: Bye! (flys away)

Harry: (sighs)

A/N: Sorry it got less funny at the end. I think I'm going to make this serious for about three chapters, then make it insane again! What do you think? Review!

PLEASE!


	12. Insanity Strikes...Again!

Insanity Strikes…Again!

Scene 12

A/N: I got sick of writing the serious stuff, and I get a better response with humor (glares at everyone who has read Confessions of a Death Eater and hasn't reviewed!). Anyways, read, review, and enjoy!

(at the Great Hall)

Harry (A/N: Have you noticed he's first to speak in a lot of the scenes?): Ron, do you think we're going to have another dance?

Ron: Maybe. 

Herm: Well, I think we've had enough dances. We had the Orange-You-Bored ball and the Harry/Ron Disco in the same week!

Ron: True…true…

Herm: I know it's true! I know everything! I've read Hogwarts, A History! I happen to know that this year is a record for dances! Hogwarts has never had two dances or balls or discos in the same week!

Harry: Hermione?

Herm: Yeah?

Harry: No one cares.

Herm: Shut up!

Harry: Nah…

Herm: Oh! (gets up and walks away furiously)

Ron: (looks sad)

Harry: Ron, are you OK?

Ron: Um…

DD: (stands up and claps his hands) Listen up, everyone! I have something to tell y'all! (clears throat) We are having another festivity!

Harry: Oh no… 

DD: This one is the Kiddy Corral!

Harry: Oh _no_…

DD: Only students in first, second, third, fourth, and fifth may attend this!

Fred and George: YAY!

DD: But I organized another event for the older students!

G and F: NO!

DD: It's called the Texas Ranger Ho-Down!

George: Oh NO!

Fred: We're ruined! _Ruined_, I tell you!

DD: Not so!

Snape: Are you going to put crazy pills in the refreshments again, Headmaster?

DD: No!

Snape: You're not?

DD: No, are you crazy? That's getting too old! No, I;m just going to…

(someone from the Ravenclaw table starts a food fight, and Dumbledore never finishes what he was going to say)

A/N: Yes! It ended too soon! But I'm running out of Ideas! HELP!


	13. The Kiddy Corrall!

The Kiddy Corral!

Scene 12 or 13, I forget

Herm (dressed as Barney): I hate this costume. I hate Barney. I hate this party!

Ron (dressed as cow): You got that right. I'm never eating steak again.

Harry (dressed as clown): I can't believe Snape let me borrow this! It's WAY too big!

Ron: Yeah. It's, like, sagging at the edges, dude.

DD (dressed as 7 year old with large lollipop in right hand and beanie cap on his head): OK! (spins beanie propeller on his beanie cap) It's time to get the party started! (blows into noisemaker)

Herm: I'd rather not, thank you.

Malfoy (dressed as Blockbuster boss): AW, come on, Mudblood! (slaps Herm on the back) Come on, Barney, Bozo, and Mr. Cow! Shake your booty! (shakes booty while walking away)

(long pause)

Ron: That wasn't a pleasant sight…

Herm: Amen to that!

Harry: I argue.

Ron and Herm: WHAT?!

Harry: Sorry, I mean, I agree.

Ron and Herm: Oh. (sigh in relief)

Harry: What's McGee dressed as?

Herm: It appears to be a…horse.

Ron: Why a horse?

Herm: I don't know!

Harry: Maybe she's the, like, pony for us to ride…

(another long pause)

Ron: I don't want to do that!

Herm: Me neither!

Harry: Uh-huh!

Herm and Ron: WHAT?!

Harry: Sorry, I mean, Uh-uh!

Herm: Good.

Ron: Harry?

Harry: Yeah?

Ron: I think you're losing it.

Harry: Losing what?

Ron: (sighs) Never mind.

Herm: He means he's losing your marbles.

Harry: I've never had marbles, so how could I lose them?

Herm: Oh, just forget it!

Harry: _It_? (starts laughing hysterically)

Herm: What's so funny? (A/N: It's not what you think it means, you perverts out there! It's another thing! I would have to change the rating if I was talking about THAT!)

Harry: (stops laughing) Nothing.

Ron: Okay. What's Flitwick wearing?

Harry: Looks like he's wearing a…_giant pillow_?

Ron: Huh?

Herm: A giant pillow, apparently.

Malfoy: (passes them, still shaking his booty)

(this time, it's a short pause)

Ron: That is still _very_ disturbing!

Herm: You can say that again.

Ron: That is still _very_ disturbing!

Herm: Oh, Ron, you know what I mean! (giggles)

Ron: (looks pleased)

Harry: What's Snape wearing?

Ron: His surfer outfit.

Harry: Did he dye his hair pink, blue, and green again?

Ron: No…it's green and silver.

Herm: Figures.

Ron: What's Professor Smith dressed as?

Herm: He's dressed as a giant sunflower.

Ron and Harry: Figures.

Harry: What's Trelawny dressed as?

Herm: Did you really expect her to be here? She won't, because it clouds her so-called "Inner Eye".

Harry: Oh, yeah!

Ron: (sarcastically) Harry! How could you forget such an _important_ piece of vital information?

Harry, Herm, and Ron (A/N: Hey! Alphabetical order!): (laugh uncontrollably)

Harry: OK, OK, OK. Let's go chat to our fellow classmates! Hey, Ginny!

Ginny: (walks over) Hello, everyone.

Herm: Ginny, what are you supposed to be?

Ginny: (sighs in exasperation) People have been asking me that all night! I'm dressed as a Beater bat!

Harry: Why would you do that to yourself, Ginny?

Ginny: I think I should change into an…um…can you guys help me?

Herm: A book.

Harry: The Snitch.

Ron: Lice.

Herm: RON!

Ron: Sorry. OK, how about a butterfly?

Ginny: OK! (walks out of Great Hall)

(15 minutes later)

Ron: What the-?

Ginny: Hello, everyone!

Harry: Ginny, you're not a butterfly!

Ginny: Sure I am! I'm a fly covered in butter!

Ron: That will win the Most Confusing Costume!

Ginny: There's a contest?

Ron: MOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!

Ginny: I'll take that as a yes.

Herm: Ginny, he was just kidding.

Ginny: Oh. Well, I better be off! (walks away)

Harry: OK, who should we do next?

Ron: How about Colin?

Harry: (groans) I don't want to…

Herm: Oh, shut up, Harry, and let's go talk to him!

Harry: Fine, fine. Hey, Colin!

Ron: Colon?

Harry: No, Colin.

Ron: Oh.

Colin: Hey, you mans!

Herm: Mans! There's no such word! That's poor grammar!

Colin: Sorry.

Harry: What are you supposed to be, Colin?

Colin: I'm a giant wand!

Ron: That's, uh, very…unique, Colon. Sorry, I mean Cologne. I mean, Cricket. I mean…oh, never mind.

Colin: That's OK. Well, I best be off! My brother's dressed as a giant rooster! (runs away)

Ron: I wonder what Fred and George are doing…

A/N: Was that chapter a bit more crazy? The next chapter…the Texas Ranger Ho-Down!


	14. The Texas Ranger Ho-Down!

The Texas Ranger Ho-Down!

Scene 14

Fred (dressed as moose): Why did _I_ have to be the moose, George? Why couldn't _you_ be the moose? WHY ME?

George (dressed as hot dog): What are you talking about? _I_ had to be the hot dog!

Fred: Good point.

Angelina (dressed as giant bow): Hey, you guys.

Fred: H-hi Angelina.

George: Please excuse my abnormal brother, Angie. He has a bad case of puppy lo-

Fred: (muzzles George) Shut up, you…you…hot dog!

George: Mpph mmphh gmph! (Translation: _You_ shut up!)

Katie (dressed as giant hand): Hello, people.

George: Urmgh, mut Mphy. (Translation: Um, hi Katie.)

Fred: Ha! Look who has puppy lo-

George: (smacks Fred)

Fred: (snaps hand off George's mouth) OUCHIES!

George: HA! 

Fred: Man, dude! You sure know how to get a guy nervous!

George: Really?

Fred: No.

George: HEY! Where's Lee?

Fred: Over there.

George: Over where?

Fred: (sighs) See the dude dressed as ice cream?

George: Is that Lee Jordan?

Fred: No, it's Viktor Krum.

George: Really?

Fred: NO! It's Lee, you stupid git! Geez…

George: Sor-ry…

Angelina: Why are you guys always arguing?

Fred: Because we can, that's why.

George: Careful, Fred. Don't want to insult your girlfriend, do we?

Fred: GEORGE!!!!!!!!!

Angelina: I'm your girlfriend?

Fred: No.

Angelina: Do you _want_ me to be your girlfriend?

Fred: No…(looks nervous)

Angelina: Liar! (kisses Fred)

George: See, Fred! What would've happened if I hadn't said anything?

Fred: Um…(appears unable to speak)

George:(in baby voice) Come on, Fred! Who's a good twin brother? Come on!

Fred: Shut up.

George: Yes, I am the two-minutes older brother who has helped a two-minutes younger brother in his hour of need…

Fred: I repeat, shut up.

George: Make me!

Fred: I can't!

George: WHY NOT? You a wussy boy?

Fred: No! Because Snape is coming this way!

George: AH! HIDE! (hides behind Katie, who looks pleased)

Katie: Cha!

George: …

Fred: OK, what was that about?

Snape (who, evidently, has changed into a teddy bear): Give me a bear hug, Fred! (opens arms wide)

Fred: Uh…no thanks… 

George: Platform 9 ¾!

Fred: Why in the world did you say that, George?

George (emerges from hiding spot): I don't know! But I'm tired! I need a break! (A/N: Sound familiar, folks?) I need a tired! I'm break! I…(faints)

Angelina: Actually, I don't feel so well either! I'm tired; I need a break! I'm tired! I need a break! I…(faints)

Katie: Me too! Need a break! Tired! (faints)

Fred: O…kay…

Snape: This happened to me earlier! But…now I'm tired and need a break again! I'm not crazy! But I'm tired! I need a break! I…(faints)

Fred: (bursts into hysterics) HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

DD(still dressed as giant 7 year old): Having fun, Fred? I just came by for a quick hello from the Kiddy Corral! (spins beanie propeller and licks lollipop) How's it going? (stares at floor) Hey, what happen…I'm tired! I need a break! I…(faints, gets up, then walks away as if nothing happened)

Fred: …

A/N: Here's what is coming!

·  Why is everyone saying, "I'm tired! I need a break!"?

· Beware more insanity!

· A F.U.N. scene, courtesy of one of my friends, Astrid!

· Why is everyone fainting? 

Tra la la!


	15. I'm Tired! I need a Break!

I'm Tired! I Need a Break!

Scene 15

A/N: Wow! I've gotten really far on this, haven't here, haven't I? Well, I'm listening to Misundaztood (you know, Pink's CD) and please don't mind that I might start out somewhere and end up going in circles. Oh, never mind. Read, review, and enjoy! (or should it be Read, enjoy, and review? Oh, well) Oh, no, I just reread what I wrote and the sentence after I say WOW doesn't make sense! Ha ha. That's what I get for writing so many badfics for people! (yes, I HAVE written more then 3!) Anyways, I think, when I'm done with this, I might actually make it into a movie! You know, send it to Hollywood people! What do you think? REVIEW! Watch out Hollywood, here I come! Three cheers for Jackie! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip hooray! Hip hip…oh never mind.

Disclaimer: I don't own Get This Party Started or Pink's CD. I don't own anything, actually, except "I'm tired! I need a break!" Unless I don't. Then sorry.

(Transfiguration class)

McG: Yeah! It's a walrus! Way to go Miss Granger! I see many walruses in your future! YAY!

Herm: …

Harry: O…kay…

McG (singing): I'm coming out! So you better this party started!

Ron: Cool! Pink!

McG: Get this party started on a Saturday night…(moves onto next student)

(A/N: I know this is completely off topic, but what are baldrics? Or who are baldrics? Who invented them? WHAT ARE THEY? Review and tell me please!!!!)

Harry: OK…that was freaky…

Herm: This past week, a day is considered wasted to the teachers if they haven't done something totally stupid at least twice! I can't take it anymore!

Ron (whispering to Harry): Isn't she cute when she's mad?

Harry: (rolls eyes)

Ron: _What_?

Herm: What what?

Ron: Never mind.

Harry: Hey, Rin, you want to go to the HUUUUT today?

Ron: DID YOU JUST CALL ME RIN?

Harry: Oops, sorry…I'm not crazy! But I'm tired! I need a break! I'm a break! I need break! I need tired! I'm tired! I need a break! I…(faints)

Ron: Oh, geez, not that! Why…I'm tired! I need a break! I…(faints)

(A/N: Yes, the tired/break thing is getting old, but would you look at the scene's title?)

Herm: I'm tired! I need a break! I'm tired! I need a break! I need a…(faints on top of Ron)

**Everyone says, "I'm tired! I need a break!". At least half of the students faint. The other half just keep repeating, "I'm tired! I need a break!" over and over and over…**

McG: ENOUGH! AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (runs away)

Snape (still dressed as teddy bear): I'm not crazy anymore! But I'm tired! I need a…a…a…a…(faints)

DD: Now, I must put an end to all this! I know I put the tired/break pills in the potato salad, but this is getting ridiculous! I must give them all reviving pills! Oh, Poppy…(glides out of room)

Part 2 of Scene 15

Everyone's back to normal!

Harry: Wow! Thanks, Professor! I thought I would never be energetic again! I really needed a break! (pauses) I gotta go! (runs away)

Herm: Yeah, I was really tired. But why did you put the pills in the orange juice before?

DD: Because this school needed a bit of lively-ness for a while!

Herm: Oh. I…guess I understand that. But why the tired/break pills?

DD: I meant to use the crazy pills again, but I grabbed the wrong ones, but I realized it was the wrong one too late. Snape must have sneaked some before the dances because he was saying that before I announced the Kiddy Corral and the Texas Ranger Ho-Down.

Herm: OK. Thanks! (walks away)

Ron: I feel kind of funny…like when I went bungee jumping that one time on family vacation…(walks away)

DD: Well, that's taken care of.

A/N: So, whaddya think? Good? REVIEW! Oh, and can you people review my other not-so-successful stories? Like…Confessions of a Death-Eater? And Harry Potter's and Sirius' Mom? (it says Siriu, but that's just a typo!) And you'll all LOVE Professor Snape and Professor Smith! BYESIES! 


	16. F.U.N.

The F.U.N. Spell!

Scene 16 

A/N:Sorry it's taken me so long to update, but I've been so busy! Well, I've been busy writing new stories and stuff, and I'm thinking of writing something else once I finish Professor Smith-He's Back and I need to post the third chapter of Confessions of a Death Eater because somebody FINALLY reviewed and I'm just under a lot of strain! OK? So, sorry to those loyal fans out there-this is my most reviewed story! That's kind of sad, actually…

   Well, this entire scene belongs to my very good friend Astrid, so if you didn't like it, blame her, not me. But, she's not on ff.net, so you can't flame all her stories! Oh, and neither of us own the F.U.N. song. Good day. (walks away, humming the national anthem under her breath)

Harry: That's it Snape! I will put the F.U.N. spell on you!

Snape: YOU CAN'T DO THAT!

Harry: YES I CAN!

Snape: NOOOOOOOOO FUUUUUUUUNNNN!

Harry: YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS! (zap)

Snape: F is for friends who do STUUUUUUUUUFFFFF TOOOGETHHERRRRRR!

Harry: HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA!

Malfoy: What up, Snape?

Snape: U is for you and me!!!

Malfoy: HUH?

Snape: N IS FOR ANYWHERE AND ANYTIME AT ALL!

Harry: Hahahahahaha!

Malfoy: I still don't get it.

Snape (pointing at Harry): DOWN HERE AT HOGWARTSIE!

Harry: HAHA!

Malfoy: I'm still confused.

Harry: As usual.

DD: I know that song!

McG: Oh god have mercy on us…

Malfoy: Harry was the only one here who could've given him the spell… (has innocent look on his face)

Harry: Uuuuuuummmmm…I got to go! (runs away)

Ron: So you did it?

Harry: yeah, like you told me to.

Ron: Yeah, like I told you to.

Harry: Uh-huh.

Herm: So, what you doing?

Ron: Uuuuuum…nothing!

Harry: Yeah, nothing, just making Snape sing the F.U.N. song over and over…oops.

Ron: Harry!

Harry (looks guilty): Sorry.

Herm: IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII'MMMMMMMMM SOOOOOOOOO MAAAD! (starts to rampage right at them)

Ron and Harry: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH! (run away as fast as they could get to Hagrid's hut)

Ron: I think we're safe here.

Herm: Boo!

Harry: AAH!

Ron: Hagrid, what's up?

Herm: HUH?

Harry: Yeah!

Ron: She hit me WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! (fakes crying)

Hagrid: Shame, Hermione!

Herm: No! I did hit Ron!

Hagrid: That clashes with what you just said! SHAME! I thought you had better grammatical skills than that!

Herm: Ooops! I said the wrong thing…

A/N: That's where Astrid ended it, so I'm going to end it there. OK? REVIEW!


	17. The Entry of the Evil Biting Gopher

The long-awaited Scene 17

The Entry of the Evil Biting Gopher

A/N: Ta-da! I am back, and in black! Well, not really…anyway, I have become obsessed with the Monty Python movies lately, so I am going to steal some lines! MWAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Let's hope this scene goes well! Ta-ta! Oh, and thanks to all my reviewers! You guys are, like my…er, um, I dunno! All I know is, you guys RAWK!

(whilst Hermione and Hagrid are arguing about the rules of grammar, Harry and Ron quietly sneak away)

Harry: Whew, that was close!

Ron: Yeah, I thought we were done for!

Harry: Hey, let's go get some éclairs from the house-elves.

Ron: Yay! Éclairs RAWK!

Harry: But, won't Hermione be mad when she finds out?

Ron: Who says she needs to find out?

Harry: Good point.

Part 2 of Scene 17 

Introducing…Mr. Gophy

(Harry and Ron are walking towards the entrance to the castle door, when Ron trips over something)

Ron: AAAAAHHHH! I'M HUUUURRRTTT AND I'M GOING TO DIEEEEEEEE!!!

Harry: Oh, shut up.

Ron: OOHHHH THE AGONY!!!!!!! 

Harry: Be quiet.

Ron: OH THE AGONY OH THE REJECTION!

Harry: What the heck are you on about? What REJECTION?

Ron: I CAN SEE THE LIIIIGGHHHT IT'S ALL DAAAARRKKKKKK SAVE MEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

Harry: SHUT UP!

Ron: I NEED…I NEED…

Harry: Be _quiet!_

Ron: I NEED HELLLPPPPP!

Harry: (shakes Ron senseless) SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UP SHUT UUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

Ron: (finally snaps out of it) Hey, what was it I tripped over anyways?

Harry: (glares at Ron)

Ron: _What_?

Harry: (sighs) Never mind. I think you tripped on _this_…(points to gopher lying motionless on the ground)

Ron: EEEWWW that thing is a rodent!

Harry: Oh, be quote on quote. It's just a harmless little gopher…I think it's hurt…(picks up gopher)

Ron: Eew, don't touch it!

Harry: (rolls eyes) Ron, don't be an idiot. (inspects gopher) You see? It's been…INJECTED!!!! *weird violin music*

Ron: (gasps) OH NO! What do we do?

Harry: We need to get it to the hospital wing.

Ron: Shouldn't we name it first?

Harry: Why?

Ron: Because.

Harry: Wow, you're really persuasive. (A/N: He is being serious!!!!) Okay, we'll name it Mr. Gophy.

Part 3 of Scene 17 

The Destruction of the Hospital Wing

Harry: Is he gonna be all right?

MP: Yes, he's going to be fine, even though he's been…INJECTED!!!!! *weird violin music*

Ron: (faints from terror)

MP: Oh, we might as well take care of HIM too. (heaves Ron onto nearby bed) Man, does this boy weigh a lot…how much does he eat?

Harry: He eats five hams every day at dinner.

MP: Well, that explains it! (goes over to Mr.Gophy) Okay, let's take care of this little critter here.

Harry: His name's Mr. Gophy and he's been…INJECTED *weird violin music* so you should treat him with more respect.

MP: Whatever. (puts on surgical mask)

Harry: (does same)

(Mr. Gophy suddenly wakes up and attacks the unconscious Ron)

Ron: (wakes up) AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! IT'S SUCKING MY WILL TO LIVE!!!!!

Mr. Gophy: MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

MP: ACKERS!

Harry: Huh?

MP: Never mind. STOP…THAT…GOPHER!!!

(Mr.Gophy suddenly stops attacking Ron and pounces on MP)

MP: NOOOOOOOOO! 

Mr.Gophy: YAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Harry: Ah! Help! Someone help! (begins to run around in circles) help! The gopher is attacking people! Oh, help! Oh the humanity! Help, help! Oh Jerusalem!

(stone hits Harry on the head)

Harry: Hey! (rubs head) What the-

(villagers come jumping through the window, throwing stones at Harry)

Harry: (shielding head with arms) HEY! What gives?

Villager 1: You said Jerusalem!

Villagers: (throw stones at Villager 1 _and_ Harry)

Villager 1: Hey! I was just telling him he said Jerusalem!

Villagers: (throw more stones at Villager 1 and less at Harry)

Villager 1: But I didn't mean to offend anyone when I said Jerusalem!

Villagers: (ignore Harry completely and throw all their stones at Villager 1)

Villager 1: AAAAAHHHHHHH JERUSALEM!

(Harry quietly sneaks out to get DD)

Harry: (bumps into DD) Hey, how did you…?

DD: No time for questions, Harry. (goes into hospital wing)

DD: (to villagers) NI!

Villagers: (stop throwing stones and stare at DD with wide eyes)

DD: Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni! Ni!

Villagers: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! (jump out window)

Harry: Cool, Professor!

DD: Thank you, Harry. Now, I'll just INJECT *weird violin music* this gopher for a temporary period until we figure out what to do.

Harry: _We?_

DD: (sighs) Not you and me, the magical community.

Harry: Oh.

DD: *INJECTS Mr. Gophy*

Mr. Gophy: Squeak! *faints*

Ron: I want a shrubbery!

A/N: Well, how was that? Didya like it? Huh huh huh? REVIEW!


	18. More Attacks

Scene 18

More Attacks

A/N: Hey-loo everyone! Here's Scene 18! Enjoy. Don't forget to review!

(the next day, in Snape's office)

Snape: (standing in front of a row of coconuts) I have a lovely bunch of coconuts, they're all standing in a row…

DD:(bursts through door) Severus!

Snape: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH! *hides behind desk in fear*

DD: Severus, it's just me, your best friend.

Snape: *peers from behind desk* Barney?

DD: NO! It's Dumbledore.

Snape: Oh. *gets up* What do you need? DD: The prisoner's escaped! 

Snape: Oh no! *pause* What prisoner?

DD: Didn't you get the memo?

Snape: What memo?

DD: Obviously you didn't…well, Mr. Weasley and Mr. Potter, the heroic wizard of the century…

Snape: *laughs nervously and puts Harry Potter voodoo doll away, which he was just sticking pins into*

DD: …found an evil gopher. We INJECTED *weird violin music* it, but it somehow survived, and it's escaped and running around the school attacking people!!!!

Snape: OH NOOOOOOOO!!! *pause* What's his name?

DD: Why does that matter?!

Snape: Just tell me its name!

DD: Mr. Gophy.

Snape: Hmm…

DD: Anyway, we need your helllpppppp!

Snape: (suddenly looks smug) I can see why you came to me…

DD: Actually…you were my last resort.

Snape: WHAT!!!!!!!

DD: Don't be offended! Being picked last has its advantages!

Snape: Like what?

DD: Uh…

(several hours later)

DD: Uh… 

(several more hours later)

DD: Uh… 

(Snape has left already to defeat the evil gopher)

Part 2 of Scene 18

MR. GOPHY…MUST…DIE!!!!

(Hermione and Draco are trapped in a corner. Mr. Gophy is about to attack them)

Draco: I don't wanna die!

Herm: Oh, shut up.

Draco: WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!

Herm: I said SHUT UP!

Draco: (continues crying)

Herm: If you ask me, this is cruel and unusual punishment! And I didn't even do anything!

Mr.Gophy: MUST…HAVE…HUMAN…FLESH!!!

(Snape comes marching/running down the hall, wand held high)

Snape: HEEEEEEEEERRRRRRRRRREEEEE GOPHY GOPHY GOPHY!!!!

Mr.Gophy: Food! (goes after Snape)

Snape: (throws wand into the air in fear) AAAAAAAAAAHHHHHH!! RUN AWAAAAYYYYYY!!! *runs away*

Herm: Well, that was close.

Draco: *still crying*

Herm: You can stop crying, ferret boy! The psycho gopher's gone.

Draco: *continues to cry*

Herm: AAUUUGGHHHH! *runs away*

Part 3 of Scene 18

DOUBLE INJECTION!!! *weird violin music AND lightning*

(staff room)

DD: Well, it seems we have no choice.

MP: Don't tell me…

DD: Yes…we must do…a DOUBLE INJECTION!!! *weird violin music AND lightning*

(later, in the hospital wing, Mr. Gophy is lying doubly unconscious on a bed)

DD: I think that solves our problems until we find a stupid owner for this guy!

_…Or is it??_

_REVIEW…or fear the wrath of Mr. Gophy!!!!!!!!!!!!!!_


	19. Giant Man Eating Clam!

Scene 19  
  
Giant Man-Eating Clam!  
  
A/N: I am back after a very long absence. I decided to update this story first because...well, it has no plot. REVIEW!!  
  
(Hospital Wing. Mr. Gophy is unconscious.)  
  
MP: Are you sure he'll stay like this?  
  
DD: Yes, for at least 67 days.  
  
MP: That's a really long time!  
  
DD: I know, isn't it?  
  
Snape: (comes running in) Sir!  
  
DD: Yes, Severus?  
  
Snape: There's a giant man-eating clam on the grounds!  
  
DD: What the (censored)?! How did that get here?  
  
Snape: Hagrid, apparently, set it loose from the wild!  
  
DD: Aw, shit...Poppy, help me out here---Poppy?  
  
(MP has disappeared. Tumbleweed rolls by)  
  
DD: Bloody cowards. Come on, Severus, I'll need some help...  
  
(they both run out)  
  
Part 2 of Scene 19  
  
How Did Spongebob Get Here?  
  
Giant Clam: RAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHH!  
  
Draco: Help!  
  
(Snape and DD come rushing over, wands held high)  
  
Snape: ATTACK!  
  
(Snape and DD cast loads of spells at Giant Clam. The spells deflect off of the shell, however, and hit them instead)  
  
Snape and DD: AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHH! (explode)  
  
Draco: Oh no! Professor Snape! (cries)  
  
Giant Clam: RAAAAHHHH!  
  
Draco: He's dead! Waaaaah!  
  
Giant Clam: (makes its way over to Draco) RAAAAH!  
  
Draco: (shrieks like a girl and runs away, remains of Snape and DD forgotten)  
  
(Spongebob and Sandy emerge from the Forbidden Forest in karate poses)  
  
Sandy: HIYA! (karate chops Giant Clam)  
  
Giant Clam: Ow! Grrr...(turns to Sandy and Spongebob)  
  
(The Trio come running out of the castle, wands held high)  
  
Harry: Prepare to be vaporized, Giant Clam! EXPECTO PATRONUM!  
  
(Harry's stag runs at Giant Clam)  
  
Giant Clam: NOOOOOOOO!!! (disappears)  
  
Trio: Yay!  
  
Spongebob: Good work, you guys!  
  
Ron: Uh...who are you?  
  
Spongebob: Why, I'm Spongebob Squarepants!  
  
Sandy: And I'm Sandy Cheeks.  
  
Harry: Sorry, don't know you.  
  
Spongebob: Ah, well. Let's go Sandy. Our work is finished!  
  
Hermione: What do you mean?  
  
Harry: Yeah! I did all the work!  
  
Sandy: Yeah, but we stalled it!  
  
Ron: So? It still would've been here when we got here. We got here 5 seconds after you!  
  
Spongebob: But Sandy used might Karate action, and you can't, so (raspberry)!  
  
Hermione: gasps How dare you blow a raspberry at me! GLACIUS!  
  
(Spongebob and Sandy become frozen)  
  
Hermione: Thank you, Prisoner of Azkaban video game! (blows on wand)  
  
Harry: Who wants cupcakes?  
  
Ron: Oh, me, me! (waves hand frantically)  
  
(Trio run back into castle to get cupcakes)  
  
A/N: Like it? Review! 


	20. Quest for Cupcakes

Scene 20

Quest for Cupcakes

A/N: I _know_ I should be updating my other stories too, like A Potional Mind and Smith 3000 and God knows what else…but I can't help it! I really want to write this scene! And so, therefore, here it is. Review, my good people. Review.

(The Trio is heading to the kitchens to get some cupcakes when Hagrid blocks their way)

Hagrid: Nice job, getting' rid o' that Giant Man-Eatin' Clam.

Harry: Thanks, Hagrid.

Ron: Yeah, thanks and all, but we need to get cupcakes.

Hagrid: Aw, who needs cupcakes when I've got a 'ole batch o' my rock cakes back at me hut?

Trio: Er…(weak smiles)

(at Hagrid's Hut)

Hermione: Er, these cakes are really…(attempts to swallow) good, Hagrid!

Hagrid: Why, thank you, 'ermione!

Harry: (tries to unclench jaw to say something but can't) MMpprgh…

Ron: Yeah, Harry's right, we ought to be going now.

Hagrid: But ya haven' eaten yer cake yet, Ron!

Ron: Oh, yeah…(stares down at cake glumly) Um, I'm not really hungry.

Hagrid: But I though' you were goin' to get cupcakes earlier.

Ron: Yes, but ah, suddenly not hungry anymore, yep.

Hagrid: Oh, I see. You don' like me cakes.

Ron: No, that's not it!

Hagrid: It's all righ', Ron. I understand.

Ron: Oh, okay. So we can go?

Hagrid: YOU BLOODY WELL CANNOT!

Ron: But you said it was okay!

Hagrid: I was jus' testin' ya! Now I know you _really_ don' like me cakes! (cries)

Hermione: Oh, nice going, Ron! You're so tactless!

Ron: WHAT! He said it was all right if I didn't like them!

Hermione: Any idiot could tell he was lying!

Ron: Well, then I guess that makes me an idiot! (pause) Wait…

Harry: Mmrph glrrph mm ypirj!

Ron: Harry's right. Let's just forget about it.

Harry: MMPPPRHH FIRJIG RIIRT!

Ron: Okay, okay, we get it! Let's get cupcakes!

Hermione: But Ron, we can't just leave an emotionally distressed Hagrid here!

Hagrid: It's all righ'. (sob) You three go an'…go 'an…(bawls) have yer cupcakes.

Ron: Okay, so _that's_ settled. (leaves, Harry in tow)

Hermione: But---(looks at Hagrid, sighs, and follows Harry and Ron)

(in the kitchens)

Ron: I WANT SOME CUPCAKES! (foaming at mouth)

House Elf #1: Yes, sir, we'll be getting you cupcakes right away, good sir! (bustles off)

House Elf #2: Look! (points to Hermione) It is that girl who be trying to set us free!

House Elf #3: GET HER!

(house elves mob Hermione. Hermione screams and runs away)

Elf #1: Here is your cupcakes, good sirs! (hands them tray of cupcakes)

Harry: That was fast.

Ron: (starts eating all the cupcakes right there)

Harry: Hey! Save some for me, would you?

Ron: (stops) Never! (continues eating)

Harry: (grabs one quickly and runs off)

Ron: GET BACK HERE! (chases Harry, still holding tray)

Harry: (cackles madly)

House Elf #2: House Elf #1, did you put the crazy pills in the cupcakes?

House Elf #1: (giggles) Oops.

THE END.

A/N: I decided to just end the movie there, because I think it rounds it off quite nicely. _The story begins all over again…_ You can use your imagination to figure out what happens next. I might write a sequel someday, if I feel so inclined. Happy reviewing!


End file.
